Dancing with the stars Bollywood

Last time, the switch-up created fun rivalries and helped raise a lot of the celebrities’ games. This time was less successful.

It didn’t help that our usually happy-go-lucky judges got switched out with a bunch of stick-in-the-muds. Carrie Ann Inaba, Julianne Hough, Bruno Tonioli and guest judge Jessie J apparently all seemed to have left their senses of humor and fun in the taxi on the way to this glitterverse. Some buzzless bee flew into their collective bonnet, and neither puffy shirts, nor passing the Dutchie, nor a perfectly styled porn ‘stache could muster up any sort of enthusiasm from this paddle-wielding panel.

The partner do-si-do also meant that there was no elimination this week, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise, considering that the judges let out enough blood on their own already. So there were no losers tonight, but really, there were no winners, either (thanks for sucking all the sparkle out of the glitterverse, paddle pushers). Here’s how the stars stacked up:

Puffy shirt alert! Alfonso Ribeiro got teamed with potty mouth Cheryl Burke, “that feisty woman he’s looking for.” Turned out Witney Carson coaxed Cheryl’s partner, Drew Carey, to his highest scores ever the last time “DWTS” had a switch-up. Now it was Cheryl’s turn to return the favor. And the flamenco was a resounding crowd pleaser, with two-year anniversary celebrating Alfonso moving with purpose on his knees toward spicy Cheryl, and doing a dramatic powder clap a la LeBron James. Jessie J didn’t want the dance to end. Julianne called it “the first partnership that I believed tonight.” “Staring in lust in the dust … the chemistry was scorching, ” Bruno proclaimed, though he cautioned Alfonso to “lift and separate” between the neck and the shoulder. Alfonso and Cheryl received a 34 out of 40 for their switch-up flamenco. Two-week total: 74 out of 80.

Sadie Robertson got teamed up with Mark Ballas’ BFF Derek Hough for a flapper-inspired Charleston. Derek was welcomed into the family despite his lack of ZZ Top beard; Papa Robertson came into rehearsals, and Derek went to Louisiana to shoot skeet with the family and film his own #DerekDynasty episode. And my oh my did Sadie cut a great Jazz Age figure with her “Crazy Stupid Love” Charleston with that shiny bright silver fringe number and that headpiece. Jessie J said Sadie looked like a pro. Julianne called Sadie “Miss Daisy” and said her long limbs are “so perfect for this type of style, ” though she “missed a little bit of timing at the beginning.” Bruno called Sadie “the perfect flapper” and said her swivel action was “spot on.” Sadie and Derek received a 36 for their Charleston, the highest scores of the night. Two-week total: 73.

Lea Thompson was paired with an aging Val Chmerkovskiy, who decided he wanted to audition for choreographer for “Cocoon: The Musical” with a “home for retired ballroom dancers” Broadway routine replete with streaks of grey, “Mama’s Family” wigs, and a spate of walkers (“Making me miss Len, ” Tom said wistfully). Turns out “You Can’t Stop the Music” no matter what your age. Lea totally sold her hot nurse bit, and Val made his bid to join the Geritol generation right before our very eyes with a padded chest area, wire-rimmed glasses and silver streaks of hair. Sure, the projected 50-year age difference kind of tempered the thrill of seeing Lea and Val kiss for the first time (take that, dry-humping Artem and Janel!), but the judges ate it up like an early bird special. Jessie J thought Lea’s acting was the best. Carrie Ann loved it, despite the fact that it was “way wackadoodle.” Bruno thought it was “off the wall and insanely funny … only you could pull off the cast of ‘Cocoon’ on acid.” Well, all except Julianne, who said it was the first time she saw Lea hesitate. Lea and Val received a 34 for their senior Broadway moment. Two-week total: 73.

Whereas Lea and Val’s Broadway routine was Great White Way with pecks of sweet kisses, respective partners Janel Parrish and Artem Chigvintsev’s burlesque number was bump and grind with a side of raunch dressing. Artem wore suspenders, like Val. Only, he didn’t wear anything on underneath them. Though Janel and Val’s week-long affair started out a little kinky, with Janel pawing down her partner front and back before removing her blindfold to reveal Artem. And the routine started out like a Cher-Julianne Hough movie before it devolved into the down and dirty (hello, crotch-grabbing money shot move!). Julianne agreed that it was sexy, but the cheeky burlesque of it was lost after she hooked up with Artem. “That was extremely sexy, but to me, that was no burlesque, ” she said. Bruno, perhaps dazzled by Artem’s heaving pectorals, said “there’s not a person in the country that will need Viagra tonight.” Sorry, Janel’s dad. Sorry, Jessie J’s mom. Janel and Artem received a 33 for their burlesque. Two-week total: 69 (oh baby).